Every Man is an Island
March 21st, 2008 by Jimmy Suede
Dear Jimmy,
BOOM!
My girlfriend and I have been dating for just about two years. Until a few months ago, our relationship was loving but kind of mundane. We’re both huge TV junkies and had our weeks planned out based on what shows we’d be watching each night. We probably knew more about the characters on Lost than we knew about each other. Things were getting more than routine. They were getting down-right boring.
But the writers’ strike changed all of that. Suddenly, we were out doing things: going to concerts, taking trips out of town, learning how to cook. Our relationship was reinvigorated because we weren’t glued to the TV every night of the week. Things were going so well that I even started shopping for a ring.
I tried to stick with our new, active lifestyle once the strike ended, but my girlfriend is back to her old ways. I can’t just forget all of the fun we had while there wasn’t any good TV to watch, and I’m starting to wonder if things are going to work out. Can you help?
John from Evanston, Illinois
Jimmy Suede wrote exclusively in crayon until the age of 29
BOOM, John!
Let me get this straight: you’ve been dating one woman for two years? That’s longer than I’ve been sober. I think your first problem is that your watch is broken.
But the real issue here is variety. Your girlfriend wouldn’t want to spend her time watching these television shows if your relationship offered her the same sense of adventure. Women are genetically programmed to gravitate toward thrill-seekers, John. Why do you think astronauts always have the best looking girlfriends?
If your girlfriend wants to watch TV every night instead of going out, it’s for one of two reasons: 1) she thinks she’ll be more entertained by watching Lost than by spending time with you, or 2) she has a rare, one-in-ten-billion condition that requires her to be within 10 feet of ultraviolet light at all times. Since it couldn’t possible be number 2 — the last girl I dated told me that she was the only person in the world with that disorder when she broke up with me — I know exactly what you need to do.
Plan a romantic vacation somewhere in the Caribbean. To make things more intimate, charter a single-engine plane to take you to the island and leave in the dark of night. When you’re within 30 minutes of your destination, tell your girlfriend how much she means to you — and then wrestle the controls away from the pilot and crash-land the plane onto a deserted island.
I’ve picked up more women here than any bar in town
It’s the best of both worlds, John: she gets the excitement of Lost, and you get the activity that you enjoyed as a non-sedentary couple. Women love the allure of danger – it’s why they sign up for self-defense classes. You can give that to your girlfriend by intentionally marooning her on some remote, barely-inhabitable island out in the middle of nowhere. Bonus points if the island is actually the very tip of a volcano.
My point is this: The only way to save your relationship is to transform your girlfriend’s life into the trite, contrived storyline that she’s seeking out in a televised adventure series.
Consider yourself lucky that Lost is your competition. When Titanic came out, I had to sink a cruise ship.
BOOM!
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