BOOM, Korie!

It’s nice to hear from a fellow art enthusiast. The Room Store’s entire “Americana” collection is hanging in my studio apartment, and I’ve got my eye on a watercolor print at Target of two kittens taking a nap in an old tire. Two more plasma donations and that masterpiece will be sitting above my faux-fireplace.

But I don’t flaunt my exquisite tastes and elegant interests to pick up women, Korie. Academic subjects like art and home-brewing are pretentious and hard to understand. If you were out at a crowded bar, how many women would you expect to know that Leonardo DaVinci hid secret codes in his paintings to reveal the marriage of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene to the world? Not many.

Unless you’re trying to pick up women at a nerd convention, leave your hoity-toity interests at home. Your personality can only stand to limit your appeal to women and thin out your prospects in HPP (High Pick-Up Potential) scenarios. To avoid narrowing your scope of seduction, you’ve got to assume the role of a bland, generic, universally-accessible nobody. Focusing solely on women that you can talk to about topics you find interesting is like going to a grocery store and only buying food you think tastes good. When you’re starving, Korie, you’ll swallow anything — including your pride.

Portray yourself as ambiguously as possible. Don’t commit to anything during a pick-up — your career, your age, even your name should be a complete mystery to every woman you talk to. A woman can’t hate what she doesn’t know, Korie: By leaving every aspect of your character open to interpretation, you’re guaranteeing that you never rub anyone the wrong way.

Here are three examples of conversation openers that convey too much information and limit the breadth of their effectiveness. I’ve included neutral versions of each example to showcase the power in being vague and imprecise.

WRONG:
Hi, I’m Jim. I’m an attorney with one of the largest law firms in the country, and I’m out celebrating the close of a huge deal tonight. I like this bar because it’s so close to my house — the cab ride home is dirt cheap.

RIGHT:
Hi, I’m a person with a job that is out tonight. I am completely indifferent to the distance of this bar from my home, which is either a house, a duplex, a condo, an apartment, a unit in a housing project, a room at the YMCA, or a cell in a minimum security prison that allows field trips. I’ll probably take a cab home tonight — the fare will compare to my income in an indeterminate way.

WRONG:
I come to this bar because of the music — I love country! I used to play guitar in a country band back in college. We called ourselves the “City Slickin’ Six” and played mostly at fraternity parties. Say, do you like mojitos? I’ll get you one when I order the next round.

RIGHT:
I come to this bar for no particular reason. I played an instrument in a band at some point in my education. The band had a name. We played mostly at large meeting halls where men drank incredible amounts of alcohol and physically assaulted new members. Say, do you like mojitos? I have no opinion of them.

WRONG:
Excuse me — did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven, that is. Because when I look at you, I see an angel.

RIGHT:
Excuse me — did it hurt? When you fell from an abstract, non-geographical location recognized by many religions as the eternal home of the Creator and those who worship him, that is. Because when I look at you, I see absolutely nothing.

The key to seduction isn’t being yourself, Korie — it’s being anyone. While the world’s extraordinary artists spend their lives writing novels, producing movies, and executing the people’s elbow or Tornado DDT on their opponents, the guys who have simply slipped through the cracks are picking up women. So run wild with your “aspirations” of becoming the next Hemingway, Scorsese, or Scotty Too Hotty, Korie. I’ll be getting numbers at dollar beer night.

BOOM!