BOOM, Abe!

I understand where you’re coming from. When I first started down the road to player status, I barely had time to catch my breath. For two months I was exhausted, irritable, and unsure that I could successfully pick up women every night and stay employed.

So I quit my job. Seduction isn’t something you do in your spare time, Abe — it’s a lifestyle. If you’re not willing to dedicate every waking second of your day to rehearsing pickup lines and committing pop-culture trivia to memory, you’ll never hold a coherant conversation with a woman. Being attractive has absolutely nothing to do with your professional objectives or your significance to society. Women want a man who is good at making small-talk at a bar — and that can only be achieved through tireless practice and repetition.

How can a hot-shot job at a management consulting firm or high-profile government agency land you dates if you spend all of your time working? A lot of men try to hide behind their “careers” or “aspirations” when talking to women, thinking that their intelligence and natural charisma will cover for their lack of memorized jokes and anecdotes.

I’ve got a news flash for those chumps: The only difference between describing a billion dollar deal that you closed and lying about a billion dollar deal that you closed is the ending to the story. In my version, I decline the offer to become a partner of my firm so I can spend more time tutoring disadvantaged orphans.

That’s not to say that all players are unemployed. I need a job; one condition of my parole is maintaining a steady income, and Hothead Harry said he’d “break my knees” if I miss another payment on my dog fighting debt. But my job is so trivial and insignificant that I can’t help but focus on my skills as a player. The way I see it, my mental acuity and thirst for intellectual fulfillment will only deteriorate over time — but my good looks will be with me forever.

BRAAAAAAAAAAINS…treet Partners, this is Dave. How may I help you?

Choose a career path with absolutely no upward mobility. The ideal job for a player is one that requires minimal effort and no mental flexibility. You’ll essentially be a zombie at work after a few weeks of going out every night; avoid positions where your performance is frequently evaluated or that require proximity to wooden stakes and garlic. Your daily routine should be so menial and tedious that your weeks run together and become a cruel, repetitious reminder of your inconsequential existence. After that kind of existential revelation, who wouldn’t want a drink?

Careers are for nerds. What’s the difference between having a legitimate, stimulating job and repairing spider-web cracks in windshields for a living when you’re buying drinks with a credit card? The only reason to work hard in an intellectually gratifying profession is to make enough money to impress women, Abe. If my party antics and stories from high school already do the trick, why waste my time? I thought geeks were supposed to be good at logic.

Don’t get blinded by the career hype machine, Abe. If men were respected for their goals and ambitions, I wouldn’t have been called “sir” by that bag boy at the grocery store a few months ago.

BOOM!