BOOM, Derek!

Women are picky about the kind of attention you give them. The last woman I dated complained that I didn’t spend enough time with her – and then stopped returning my phone calls after she caught me watching her go to the bathroom through a peep-hole I drilled behind her towel rack.

Luckily I’ve been too busy with my new ceiling-fan business to get upset about the break up. But I’ll be devastated if she figures out that the Flow-Master 6000 I installed in her bedroom is really just me hanging by a rope with my arms and legs spread out.

Women expect their boyfriends to spend time with them, Derek – it’s why they invented the term “ball-and-chain.” But like most expectations, spending actual time with your girlfriend can be avoided if she simply thinks that you want to spend time with her.

For example, the woman I met last night expected me to have an expert understanding of medicine because I was wearing a stethoscope around my neck. Did that expectation change when I cut my finger and fainted at the sight of my own blood? Who cares – she gave me a kiss on the cheek as I was being loaded in the ambulance.

The point is, if your girlfriend thinks you’re making a genuine effort to spend time with her, that’s good enough. It’s dating strategy, Derek — you need to find a girlfriend whose lifestyle is incompatible with your own. Some men are lucky and can accomplish this with a hectic work schedule or crippling social anxiety. But for guys like you and me, it comes from having the law work in our favor.

I know, I know – it’s about time.

2014 can’t come fast enough! By the way, I’m busy tonight.

Dump your girlfriend and starting dating a 19 year-old. As long you can convince her that you think the legal drinking age is a sham, she won’t get upset when you spend six nights a week at bars with your friends.

It all boils down to expectations, Derek. A 2010 calendar with your underage girlfriend’s birthday circled in red marker is a ticket to complete relationship freedom. Be careful that her 21st birthday doesn’t sneak up on you, though. There’s nothing more awkward than when every bartender on your girlfriend’s birthday bar crawl greets you by name.

Perceived intent is king, Derek. Just make sure you know the difference between your girlfriends “expectations” and when she’s “expecting.” I learned that lesson the hard way.

BOOM!