BOOM, Amos!

An old man with a ton of cash is a player’s worst nightmare. Think about it: Wisdom, worldliness, financial security, confidence, self-respect, responsibility, dignity, nice clothes, a car. What man under the age of 50 can compete with that?

Women are attracted to old men because old men are mature and have achieved success. But that’s not to say that women are only attracted to money — they’re attracted to all old men, because success is inherent in age. Every man eventually proves himself to be worthy of companionship, Amos. It’s only a matter of time before I trade in my efficiency apartment above a muffler repair shop for a penthouse with a view of Central Park.

Until then, however, I’m just Jimmy Suede: Elite Player and Windshield Repair Technician. And you’re just Amos: Reader of Jimmy Suede: Elite Player and Windshield Repair Technician. We can’t even come close to matching the skill of old men in picking up women because we’re essentially just younger versions of them, minus the life experience and coin.

How can I impress a woman at a bar with my triple-digit bank balance when the geezer in the booth owns a Leer jet? What chance do I have against a billionaire with one foot in the grave when I have to stay behind at the restaurant on dates and wash dishes to pay off my meal?

That’s right, Amos — it’s not just an old wives’ tale. I literally had to wash dishes for two hours as payment for a date. Which was nice, because I thought it would be three when I was ordering.

Your game is useless when old men are your competition. Just like in high school track, the only way to avoid losing to a superior team is to change the rules of the game. And just like in high school track, that involves being demoted to junior varsity.

Who can compete with that?

Start hitting on younger women — way younger women. You need to target women so young that the concepts of epicurean expertise and worldly cultural erudition are misunderstood for winning eating contests and being able to burp in Spanish.

Wear your old lettered jacket to a high school football game and brag about how fast your Camaro can run a quarter mile. Take a six-pack of cheap beer to a bowling alley on a Friday night and introduce yourself to every girl in the parking lot as Thunder O’Killjoy. Start a noise band called Tremor Death of the Third Apocalypse; play a house party tour in the suburbs until your van breaks down and you have to call your dad to pick you up.

Leave picking up women to the experts — old, geriatric men. Young (but legal) girls may be obnoxious and embarrassing to introduce to your friends, but they’re better than nothing. It’s like they say — if you can’t beat ‘em, get off the team and turn in your colored socks. The parallels to high school track are endless.

BOOM!