BOOM, Tony!

Not many careers involve skills that transfer over to the pickup. Sure, astronauts and treasure hunters are superstars when it comes to seduction, but your average, work-a-day lawyer or doctor has to rely on his academic pedigree and status in society to entice women.

But guess how many women were hanging off of the guy dressed like Doogie Howser at the last 80’s theme-party club I went to? None — they all ignored me and swooned over the jerk in the Erik Estrada costume.

The point is, you’re lucky to be able to hone your skills as a player while you’re at work. You need to approach dating like a Rent-to-Own center approaches retail: You’re not looking for the smartest shoppers with the best credit or the cleanest criminal records — you’re just looking for someone that wants a TV.

Deadbeats don’t just need household appliances and furniture, Tony — they need boyfriends, too. And personally, I prefer temporary-basis, just-until-things-pick-up-for-me relationships with women that can’t really afford to be picky. When the expectations are low and the price for my affection is right, I’m happy with being “good enough for now.”

That’ll look great next to the table that’s missing 3 legs

There’s no glory in being the flat screen TV or leather sofa set of boyfriends, Tony. Those things are expensive and come with extensive warranties. They’re expected to be impressive and last for years in pristine condition. You get upset when you spill coffee on them. But worst of all, they’re used up in their prime and then thrown away or sold at a garage sale when they get too worn out to be seen by the neighbors.

No thanks, Tony. This corduroy couch still has some years left in him.

BOOM!