BOOM, Aaron!

You’re a brave man. The only opportunity that women cherish more than belittling a man with incredible game is belittling a man with incredible game in the name of friendship. Trust me on this one, Aaron — I’ve got incredible game.

Seducing your admirer’s more-attractive friend won’t be accomplished through a hair-brained scheme. “Being honest with women” may work for the gender-ambiguous space captains of absurd Sci-Fi flicks, but 21st century windshield repair experts like myself have to rely on practical methods of building real, meaningful relationships.

No man’s game can overcome the impregnable bond of female friendship, Aaron. That is, no modern man’s game.

Tell this woman that you’re a millennium-hopping time traveler from the future. You fell in love with her future self only months before she died — in order to spend your life with her, you have defied the laws of quantum mechanics and abandoned your friends, your family, and your worldwide renown as the first ultra-successful heart surgeon to moonlight as a professional athlete.

To make your story convincing, you should distinguish yourself from contemporary men by adopting strange mannerisms. Instead of wearing shoes on your feet, put them on your hands and walk barefoot. Address everyone as “Abraham” and never brush your teeth. Describe your feats of heroism during the war with the Andromeda galaxy; claim that this woman nursed you back to health after being left for dead on the battlefield. The most enrapturing fairy tales are set against the backdrop of brutal, intergalactic warfare.

Sarah Connor? I hope you like the Olive Garden.

The time travel approach is effective for a number of reasons. First, it’s believable — who hasn’t wondered if they’re only desperately lonely because their soul mate exists in the future? Second, it’s romantic. The farthest I’ve ever traveled to see a woman is 30 miles, and it was only because Legally Blonde wasn’t playing at the local theater. Your venture into space-time manipulation in the name of companionship is a testament to your devotion to this woman as well as your mastery of general relativity. Two birds with one stone, Aaron.

But most importantly, it allows you to completely sidestep the unbearable tension that comes with being honest. You’re not snubbing the first woman for the second in this situation, because you met the second woman first — in the future. If it makes the story easier to sell, tell the first woman that you never approached her future self because she was already married. To the President.

The easiest way to handle confrontation is to avoid it altogether. There’s nothing to gain by being candid about how you feel, Aaron. Besides, if you’re on a date with this woman and she doesn’t end up being as great as her physical appearance leads you to believe that she is, you’ve got an easy out. You left your wallet in your future pants.

BOOM!