BOOM, Arthur!

Women can be really unforgiving. Especially when they’re police officers. And you’re shoplifting.

But you’ve got to remember that marriage is all about compromise. You can’t beat yourself up over your wife’s unreasonable behavior. If she absolutely refuses to forgive you, nothing you do or say will salvage your relationship.

At this point, you need to focus on forgiving yourself.

Pretty awesome, but it’d be better if the skull was on fire

I’m sure you feel bad about forgetting your anniversary. And you’re probably really disappointed in yourself for getting that hideous tattoo. But unless you’re planning on dedicating your life to building a time machine so that you can go back to last weekend and stop yourself from going to Vegas, spending another second thinking about this incident is nothing but a waste. You’ve punished yourself enough, Arthur — it’s time to put the past behind you.

Besides, what’s so important about an anniversary? You should be striving to make every day of your relationship unique and significant. By setting one day out of the year aside to celebrate your commitment to each other, you and your wife are implying that the other 278 days are throwaways. If you ask me, you should be the one that’s upset. Your “wife” has turned your marriage into a Hallmark holiday.

Move on, Arthur. And next time, skip Vegas and hit up Reno. The bookies there have much less aggressive payment plans.

BOOM!